Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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