You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
