how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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