Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
