I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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