It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
