I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
