you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
