This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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