there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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