I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
