I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
