btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He shit in the fireplace
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
