based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
