Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
