Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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