shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
