I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
