You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
