so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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