Apparently you make a good broom.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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