Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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