woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
