From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Blood and glitter go together right?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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