If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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