We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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