if you like me you must not know who I am
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
