apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
