one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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