I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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