im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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