Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
