Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
