Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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