I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
