if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
false alarm. still invincible.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
