Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
