my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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