and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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