No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
