i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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