thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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