Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
