Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
