A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
