My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
