my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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