Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
