I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
