i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
