I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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