So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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