I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
