I heard we made out
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
