FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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